Men don’t date for charity—so why should you? Protect your time, your heart, and your peace. You are the asset.
Let’s talk about the absolute mind-bender that is trying to date men while actively decentering men. I’ve been experimenting with this mindset for a while now, and I’ll be real, it’s one of the hardest emotional rewires I’ve ever attempted. Because the truth is, if you’re going to date men while decentering them, you have to date like a man. And for women like me, emotionally aware, sensitive, high-effort partner—that’s not just a shift. It’s a complete rewiring of instinct.
The Core Concept: Date Like a Man
I first heard this framing on The Audacity Podcast, and it just clicked. If we want to date men without making them the center of our emotional, mental, and energetic world, we have to flip the script and borrow their mindset:
• Prioritize your convenience.
• Only entertain connections that genuinely benefit you.
• Be completely okay walking away if something isn’t aligned.
• Don’t pour emotional meaning into early interactions.
• Most of all? Don’t perform. Don’t bend.
Men are conditioned to date in a way that’s functional, while women are conditioned to be pleasing, accommodating, and hopeful. So learning to be “selfish” (aka self-protective) in this realm feels radical. But it’s necessary.
Why This is Crucial for Post-Divorce Women
Divorced women are often more vulnerable in the dating world. Years of prioritizing their ex’s needs, making compromises, and enduring emotional struggles can make them more susceptible to low-effort men. This is why you must date from a position of strength, not scarcity.
Post-Divorce Dating Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Dating too soon out of loneliness instead of from a place of empowerment.
- Accepting breadcrumbs of effort because it feels better than nothing.
- Mistaking “potential” for reality—if they aren’t showing up consistently, they never will.
- Rushing into commitment because it feels familiar and safe.
Why Dating Like a Man is the Fix:
✔ It keeps your standards high and stops you from settling.
✔ It ensures you choose from a place of confidence, not fear.
✔ It protects you from time-wasters who see newly single women as easy targets.
✔ It gives you back control in a world that often expects women to settle for less.
Practicing It IRL (Spoiler: It’s Messy)
I’ve been trying to embody this new dating mindset in real life, and here’s what that’s looked like:
• Low-effort prep: No hours prepping for first dates. I budget 15 minutes tops for choosing what to wear, refreshing my curls, and maybe putting on light, easy makeup only. If he’s showing up in a t-shirt and a 2 day stubble, why am I shaving my legs and curling my lashes for an hour?
• Only accepting matched effort: Not accepting breadcrumbs, low-effort offers to “go for a walk” or worse off – wine at his place. barf. Watching out for “high potential” traps.
• YOU Are the prize: Stop proving your worth. They should be proving themselves to YOU.
But Then… I Had a Crush
And this is where it got hard.
Because once hormones entered the picture, oxytocin—the bonding hormone—kicked in. Hard. He texted me once that night, and then went silent for two whole days. And suddenly, my “date like a man” armor cracked.
I was obsessing. Wondering. Looping.
I wanted not to care. But I did. I hated that I cared. And even though I tried to rationalize it—“he’s probably busy,” “maybe he’s just casual about texting”—the lack of aftercare hurt. Deeply.
Emotional Dissonance: Does The Theory Crumble?
That was my wake-up call. The masculine dating mindset works—until your nervous system doesn’t agree. Until you realize that being intimate without emotional continuity feels jarring. Until you’re flooded with bonding hormones while he’s just… sleeping soundly, completely unaffected.
So yes, I suffered for a good 36 hours. And then I reminded myself:
We are not men. And that’s a good thing. Phew.
A New Mindset: Date Like a Man—with the Emotional Intelligence of a Woman
Instead of seeing my emotional response as failure, I reframed it. What if we don’t fully date like men, but date like an emotionally intelligent woman with high self-awareness?
What if we…
• Prioritize our own needs without overriding our nature?
• Show up with intention, not performance?
• Speak our preferences (like asking for a post-date check-in) without feeling “too much”?
That’s not weakness.
This is where self-awareness becomes the real secret weapon.
Dating like a man works best when you blend it with:
• Awareness of your own nervous system.
• Clarity on what intimacy means to you.
• A willingness to express needs without shame.
That means not abandoning our softness, but protecting it with better filters.
Because this isn’t about becoming less emotional.
It’s about becoming less available to what doesn’t feel good.
And that’s power.
Dating is a Humbling Experience
This journey is hard. It’s disorienting. It’s humbling. But it’s also clarifying. Dating men while decentering men isn’t about becoming them. It’s about reclaiming our standards and stopping the cycle of self-sacrifice disguised as romance.
Because we don’t just want someone who’s “good enough.” We want someone who makes our lives better. Who adds, not takes.
And that starts with how we show up for ourselves.
If any of that resonates with you, I created a full guide on how to Date Like A Man (with the emotional intelligence of a woman). The 5 rules of dating like a man, green vs red flags to look out for, safety tips and everything you need to know. Download it for free here!
