Why More Women Are Opting Out of Modern Dating—and They’re Not Looking Back
Lately, I’m noticing a lot of debate back and forth between the genders around dating. It’s everywhere: from YouTube to TikTok to Reddit and Facebook threads. And honestly, it’s fascinating. It’s like we’re all stuck in mutually exclusive universes, but it’s really about something much bigger and deeper than that.
So I thought: I want to take a deeper look at what’s really going on. Because when you strip away the noise, what you’re left with is a massive mismatch in expectations and values.
Let’s start with a comment I recently received on one of my YouTube videos (one of many, but this one sums up the energy well):
“If what you bring is $35k a year, children from another man, and no drive or goals… Yet you expect a man to make $200k+, take care of you and your children, be 6’, be in good shape… You would be on the delusional scale… Men are raising their standards too.”
At face value, this is framed as a call for “mutual accountability.” But beneath the surface, this is exactly what I want to talk about.
What this comment, and thousands like it, completely miss is that most women are not chasing a fantasy of a tall, rich, alpha man. What many of us are chasing is emotional maturity. Partnership. Reciprocity.
Where Women Are Coming From
Historically, women were treated as a commodity. We were forced into marriages for the ability to have access to resources.
Our “value” was in how well we could: Take care of the house, give birth and raise the kids, carry the emotional burden, and do all the invisible labor.
We couldn’t open a bank account, own property, or build wealth. So marriage was less about romance and more about access. And the conditions? They were clear: do the work, meet the expectations, and stay quiet.
That was the oppression: We were not compensated for all this work; we were only given rights that were taken from us to begin with.
Why the New “Deal” Feels Like a Scam
Fast forward to now: Women can provide for themselves. We can build wealth. We can have and raise kids alone. We can thrive without marriage.
But while the terms of freedom have changed, the expectations of marriage haven’t.
Men are still expecting the traditional perks — free labor, emotional caretaking, and sexual availability. But now they also want us to bring in a paycheck, “go 50/50” in all expenses, and “respect our vows,” not leaving the marriage unless we’re physically abused.
So let’s get clear: the new deal is worse than the old one. And now that we can opt out, many of us are doing just that.
The only thing keeping us opting in to this still-stinking deal of marriage is the social aspect, force-fed into our systems since before we can even walk: The fear of being alone. The desire for romantic love. The conditioning around “belonging” and “success” through partnership.
But more and more women are saying: no, thank you.
What Would a Better Deal Look Like?
This is where the whole conversation goes off the rails. Because when women say we’re raising our standards, we’re not saying:
“I want a millionaire with six-pack abs who’ll raise my kids while I sit around and do nothing.”
We’re saying:
“I want a partner who’s done the emotional work to show up with empathy, consistency, and self-awareness. Someone who’s not looking for a maid, a mom, or a trophy. Someone who contributes — not just financially, but emotionally.”
There’s nothing “delusional” about that.
Because now, women have a default option that wasn’t there before:
We can opt out.
We can choose to live alone, have kids on our own, make our own money, decorate our tidy homes, and not pick up after any man-child. That’s a better deal than being tied to someone who drains us.
Men Refuse to Listen
Instead of hearing this, what a lot of men do is:
- Ignore the emotional evolution part entirely
- Try to scare us out of staying single
- Shame us with the old lines: “You’ll die alone with cats!”
But guess what? That doesn’t scare us anymore.
Men like the commenter above don’t hear this. They can’t hear it. Because they’re stuck in a transactional mindset, where love is earned through status and services, not presence, not partnership.
They view relationships like a market exchange. “What are you bringing to the table?”. And if a woman isn’t a top earner and looks like a model, they ask: How dare you have high standards?
What We Actually Want
Women aren’t just looking at wealth and looks. We care about values, partnership, and maturity. And the irony? The “top 10%” of wealthy, ripped guys? Many of us are revolted by them because they’ve sacrificed their humanity for this status.
Women aren’t waiting for someone perfect. We’re waiting for someone who’s done the work. Who can co-create a life, not just extract value from ours.
A peaceful, independent life sounds better than living with an emotionally underdeveloped man-child.
Settling Is a Valid Choice, But So Is Not Settling
Some women do settle. They say, “Well, at least he’s rich and hot,” and that’s their compromise after being let down over and over. But that’s settling. Not the goal.
Men mistake these women as the standard. Then they generalize and say all women are gold diggers. But the opposite is the truth.
You’re not impressing us by being ripped or rich. You’re impressing your bros.
Men are chasing male validation more than female partnership. For them, it’s all about impressing other men—bosses, dads, peers. Not attracting the kind of emotionally grounded partner they say they want.
Women Want Partnership. Men Want Praise.
That’s the real disconnect. When women say we’re raising our standards, we mean we’re looking for emotional parity. Men, on the other hand, say they’re raising standards and start chasing women who are: Younger. Hotter. More gullible.
Because that’s what the patriarchy taught them to value. And the patriarchy tells them that a 20-something, naive, pretty girl is the ultimate trophy.
And yet, they accuse women of being the transactional ones.
What’s Really at Stake
Men get more from marriage. It boosts their careers, health, status. But for women, it often costs us all of those things.
Women lose time, energy, emotional capacity, and often health and wealth. We’re left to clean up the mess.
So yes — we are keeping our standards high. Because the risk of being partnered with the wrong man is too great. The risks are real, and the rewards have to be worth it.
We’re not asking you to become millionaires or get six-packs. We’re asking you to become better men.
And if you can’t, or won’t, we’re not scared to walk away.
Originally published on Medium.
